This article will describe how my changing subjective self-concept was illustrated in changing dream symbols at specific times over my lifetime. The subjective self-concept is an illusion to the extent that it is incongruous with objective reality, i.e., the true self-concept. Thinking, feeling, behavior and their consequences are heavily influenced by an individual's self-concept. A completely accurate subjective self-concept is necessary in order to individuate.

     At age 43, after I had begun to honor, record and analyze my dreams, the first self-concept dream symbol appeared -- a donut ring with an empty center This symbol appeared periodically in my dreams for 30 years, as I attempted repeatedly to fill in the donut with something to make it whole. The donut ring consisted only of I do and I have. I remained dissatisfied, feeling that something was missing and not knowing what it was.

     At age 70, a second symbol appeared -- a bright, warm, energy-emitting, numinous, irresistibly attractive light. I wanted to bask forever in the glow of that symbol of spirit, believing that I was experiencing the Beatific Vision, seeing God, the great I AM, face-to-face. Initially, this spirit symbol seemed to be unrelated to the donut ring symbol, since each symbol continued to appear separately in different dreams. The two symbols remained separate for 30 years until age 73.

     Then, just 3 months ago, the two symbols appeared simultaneously in the same dream, while still separated from one another, for about one second. Suddenly, in this same dream, the spirit symbol snapped back into the center of the donut ring symbol, as though the two symbols were attached to each other by a very strong rubber band. The rubber band had been stretched for many years, but the tension had been gradually reduced and the two symbols had become one! Immediately, I felt relieved of stress and experienced a surge of energy. Spirit, the central I AM part of me shared with God and all persons, had finally returned. I was now complete and felt satisfied that I had finally found the solution to the problem I had struggled with for 30 years!

     Finally, I realized that I had created the illusion that I had a problem by fantasizing that I was split and that “something was missing.” I had stretched that rubber band so far that I couldn't see spirit at all for many years, but had fortunately not stretched it beyond its elastic limit. As I gradually reduced my sress level and the stretch on the rubber band, spirit was brought back into view, snapping back into its true and natural place, allowing me to feel whole again..

     Early in life I had once before felt whole. Then, experiencing great fear, I had unconsciously chosen a defensive, incomplete, unsatisfactory self-concept, partially incongruent with objective reality. Later in life, under the healing influence of love, I chose a complete, satisfactory self-concept, congruent with objective reality. My experience demonstrates that, despite decades of partial illusion, it is still possible to choose again and subjectively reconnect with the resilient spirit.

~ Jim Gross